My later miscarriage was the hardest for me to personally deal with as my body let me down, it believed I was still pregnant and I went for my 12 week scan believing all was well, well I was actually still pregnant, well I was still carrying my baby only its tiny heart stopped beating at 9 and a half weeks into the pregnancy. I then had to undergo an operation as by body failed, it wanted to keep hold of my precious baby – wanted so badly.
When I was childless people never dared to ask when I would be starting a family, well with the exception of a few family members which started on our honeymoon that is…thanks Phil!
When my miscarriages happened, again and again it definitely stopped anyone from asking, they were way too scared of my reaction and feared a slap I guess.
However once Emmy was around 18 months those questions of when are you having another started almost weekly, sometimes daily!
What they had forgotten about was the miscarriages, I’d had Emmy so that must be in the past now.
The fears, the worries and those same emotions were still there – the fact I had managed to carry Emmy successfully just made others forget.
Forget – something I would never be able to do.
The worry of becoming pregnant – not wanting to build that excitement, trying not to care because it was easier that way.
It doesn’t matter how far along you actually are before you lose a baby – to a parent – Mum or Dad it is still your baby, something you have wanted more than anything in the world.
I had early loses, one’s which happened around 6 weeks into pregnancy, those my body dealt with itself, happening before many people knew about it, but that doesn’t make it any easier, infact it is almost the opposite as you feel so very alone. Its hard to talk about it and explain your sadness and your loss when others didn’t have the time to congratulate you in the first place.
I found I would end up comforting them, they didn’t know what to say, how to act and in the end I just couldn’t talk about it publicly. I had a support group of online friends who were my rock – we had all been through the same and that bond united us together. I still talk to many of them 8/9 years down the road and we are still friends. They get it!
I actually went on to have another 2 miscarriages between Emmy and Harry and it was the week of Emmy’s second birthday I found out I was pregnant with Harry.
The worry never disappeared while I was pregnant with him, I started back on my Asprin daily and was under my consultant for the whole pregnancy.
Now Harry is 3 and I’m constantly being asked when I’m having another.
It hasn’t even crossed my mind to have a third.
I’ve always wanted 2 children. I was one of 2 children and it worked well for our family. It’s the number I had always planned.
Holidays, Playdays and days out work well. 1 adult to each child, no turn taking on the rides leaving one child waiting.
I hate that others assume that your family is incomplete.
The presumption of once a child goes to Pre-School/Nursery you will be wanting another.
2 is my perfect number.
The thought of having the worry daily of being pregnant absolutely terrifies me. That terror of something going wrong never goes away and I’m not sure I would be able to cope again both mentally or physically.
So please, I urge you – when you next feel the need to ask a friend, relative or even a stranger when they will be expanding their family – STOP, hold your breathe and change the subject.
You don’t know just how hurtful that passing comment could be – how many feelings it may bring back or perhaps how much they want to just punch you in the face!
For some it isn’t just that easy.