No its really not time for number 3!

When I was childless people never dared to ask when I would be starting a family, well with the exception of a few family members which started on our honeymoon that is…thanks Phil!
When my miscarriages happened, again and again it definitely stopped anyone from asking, they were way too scared of my reaction and feared a slap I guess.
However once Emmy was around 18 months those questions of when are you having another started almost weekly, sometimes daily!
What they had forgotten about was the miscarriages, I’d had Emmy so that must be in the past now.
No definitely not!

Stop asking when i will have another baby, miscarriage, miscarriage fear, pregnancy fear

The fears, the worries and those same emotions were still there – the fact I had managed to carry Emmy successfully just made others forget. 
Forget – something I would never be able to do.
The worry of becoming pregnant – not wanting to build that excitement, trying not to care because it was easier that way. 
It doesn’t matter how far along you actually are before you lose a baby – to a parent – Mum or Dad it is still your baby, something you have wanted more than anything in the world.
I had early loses, one’s which happened around 6 weeks into pregnancy, those my body dealt with itself, happening before many people knew about it, but that doesn’t make it any easier, infact it is almost the opposite as you feel so very alone.  Its hard to talk about it and explain your sadness and your loss when others didn’t have the time to congratulate you in the first place. 
I found I would end up comforting them, they didn’t know what to say, how to act and in the end I just couldn’t talk about it publicly.  I had a support group of online friends who were my rock – we had all been through the same and that bond united us together.  I still talk to many of them 8/9 years down the road and we are still friends.  They get it!

My later miscarriage was the hardest for me to personally deal with as my body let me down, it believed I was still pregnant and I went for my 12 week scan believing all was well, well I was actually still pregnant, well I was still carrying my baby only its tiny heart stopped beating at 9 and a half weeks into the pregnancy.  I then had to undergo an operation as by body failed, it wanted to keep hold of my precious baby – wanted so badly.

I actually went on to have another 2 miscarriages between Emmy and Harry and it was the week of Emmy’s second birthday I found out I was pregnant with Harry.
The worry never disappeared while I was pregnant with him, I started back on my Asprin daily and was under my consultant for the whole pregnancy.
Now Harry is 3 and I’m constantly being asked when I’m having another.
It hasn’t even crossed my mind to have a third.
I’ve always wanted 2 children.  I was one of 2 children and it worked well for our family.  It’s the number I had always planned.
Holidays, Playdays and days out work well.  1 adult to each child,  no turn taking on the rides leaving one child waiting.
I hate that others assume that your family is incomplete.
The presumption of once a child goes to Pre-School/Nursery you will be wanting another.
2 is my perfect number.
The thought of having the worry daily of being pregnant absolutely terrifies me.  That terror of something going wrong never goes away and I’m not sure I would be able to cope again both mentally or physically.
So please, I urge you – when you next feel the need to ask a friend, relative or even a stranger when they will be expanding their family – STOP, hold your breathe and change the subject.
You don’t know just how hurtful that passing comment could be – how many feelings it may bring back or perhaps how much they want to just punch you in the face!
For some it isn’t just that easy.

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22 thoughts on “No its really not time for number 3!

  1. That it so true, we had a miscarriage last July and about two weeks after I bumped into someone my partner is on lifeboat with and he sed 'are you not having another yet' fair enough he didn't no we had a miscarriage. I remember wanting to cry right there and then in the supermarket!
    It's so hard as I was nearly 12 weeks but baby stopped at 6 weeks, I choose to have the operation as I felt my body hadn't already done what it needed to do. We didn't shout about it but some close family members knew what had happened and were very supportive.
    But people need to thing about what they say to people about when are they starting a family or when r they having another. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, people don't see the miscarriages or the ivf that people may have to have. People need to be more thoughtful x

  2. Gosh I just don't understand why people make it their business… It's not their business!! I can hand on heart say I wouldn't ask if someone was going to have a/another child unless they steered the conversation that way. I've been exceptionally fortune so far with my two pregnancies and I never for one moment take that for granted xx

    1. I love this Hannah.
      It's such a personal question isn't it, it's almost a kin to asking if someone is on their period or in the menopause

  3. Oh goodness clare, that must've been so hard for you. 2 IS the perfect number, I have two boys and have absolutely no intention of having any more children. It is a personal choice and being asked that question is so wrong! You make a great point though, other people ought to think about their words before they speak. Great post.
    Popping over from UKBloggers FB Group. xx

  4. This is such a good point, I have to hold my hands up and admit I have sometimes asked people if they will have more, maybe I shouldn't.
    Everyone is individual, some make the choice not to have any children, I am blessed with 4, but 2 losses, the first before I had children and it hit me hard, then the last, although unplanned, would of been loved as much as my others, but it was not meant to be, as the same at 13wk scan told it had stopped beating it's heart a week or so before and my body failed me, though I was told it would of been very poorly too.
    I love that families come in all sizes and some have fur babies.
    Enjoy your pigeon pair, they are two gorgeous and lovely children, a real credit to you both x

  5. I hear you. I only had one miscarriage but, now our daughter's coming up to her first birthday, people are starting to ask when (never if) we'll have a second and I'm so painfully aware that it may not be that easy. I don't want people watching me and trying to guess if I'm pregnant when I'm in the midst of something which scares me.

    (I do think two is a good number, though)

  6. I think people often forget that it's your family, not theirs! We are all different, we all want different things and we have all been on different paths growing our families in the way we want. I'm very sorry for the losses you've experienced but I'm so very glad you have two little ones to love and be loved by. Thank you for sharing this emotional read xx

    1. Thank you kayleigh.
      That's just it, people forget it's actually nothing to do with them and your own family.

      Thank you so much for reading and spending time to comment

  7. Written so well, I had 3 children and a further 3 who I had the dreaded no heartbeat scans which is so hard I hated that walk out of the room to a waiting area full of happy pregnant ladies unfortunately I had to under go a total hysterectomy at 34 and I hate that question I would have loved more children but my body failed me xxx

  8. I hear you! I am bad at talking, But that question hurts me too. I've had far too many early loses. The loses in my past (the violent ex) i could deal with by telling myself those babies would not have been born of love.

    When I lost shortly before conceiving Jen that wasn't nice. That was a planned pregnancy.

    But two is where i am staying. It would be dangerous for me to be in labour again. I had bad bleeding after both children were born, and was told I could die. Then both times I had PND, the second time resulting in a full suicidal breakdown.

    When people say to me "time for another baby" I do feel the urge to slap them, they might as well be asking me to go play on a train track….it wouldn't end well.

    We can't have more now, becuase of my fear around pregnancy (tokophobia) and the medical issues me being pregnant causes my loving and understanding partner has had a visectomy.

    If you ever want to rant, shout or cry, you know where to contact me. X

  9. You have a perfect family and it doesn't matter how big or small it is! I get the same people who told me I was silly to have Elsie actually ask if I will have more! Like why? So you can tell me what a silly idea it is! I am happy with my 3 and couldnt imagine having another x

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