October is baby loss awareness month so it seems fitting to tell you about my babies who aren’t always written about on this blog.
The ones I can’t photograph and document the milestones for.
Those who never needed a birthing plan, a hospital bag packed for or who have never blown out a birthday candle and never will.
I am a mother to 7 children, all wanted and loved but with 5 too precious for this world and snatched away far too soon.
From the moment I knew I was pregnant I felt like a mother. I was carrying the most precious cargo in the world, a mini me who was desperately wanted and already loved.
Sometimes love just isn’t enough though and time after time I miscarried around 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy. The tears flowed and I felt like a failure once again.
Why couldn’t I do this? Why was it so hard? What was wrong with me?
The days grew darker and smiles a thing of the past.
I was 1 in 4
Tests were carried out and nothing was found to be wrong. Specialists seen and bloods taken by the bucket load.
There was no reason for this heartache.
After my 3rd miscarriage which resulted in the need for an operation, a D&C as my body was clinging onto the baby it so baby wanted I was placed on a tiny white tablet. 75mg Asprin to be taken daily as soon as I was pregnant….this involved testing early each month instead of waiting for a missed period. Not that there was any real need, having been pregnant 3 times before I knew I was pregnant almost immediately. I popped this pill daily until 36 weeks.
A magic pill. This pregnancy worked. Emmy was born at 42 weeks, there were complications and pregnancy wasn’t easy but I honestly didn’t care.
18 months later the pain started again when another 2 babies were lost. The white pills popped again and 2 years 9 months after Emmy was born, Harry arrived kicking and screaming.
I love all my babies, 2 I have been lucky enough to hold and watch grow into amazing children and 5 who are watching over us all.
Those 5 have helped me to grow into who I am now, they’ve moulded me into the mother I am and they will never leave my heart.
Miscarriage has taught me quite a few things
- Never to take anything for granted
- Just because you want something it sadly isn’t enough
- Life is bloody hard
- It’s OK to cry
- It’s OK to not be OK all the time
- You can ask for help
- Talking really does help
- You are not alone
- There is always a story behind a smile
- Friends will always be there when you need them – and even when you don’t
- Lastly, NEVER to ask someone when they are planning another baby especially if you don’t know their stories – it hurts so much if you are desperately trying, can’t get pregnant or has suffered losses, and more importantly its just rude!