Most people are familiar with the ‘classic’ forms of domestic abuse because they are more overt, like physical or verbal abuse. However, coercive control is just as prevalent and insidious; it just tends to go under the radar more. Coercive control is when one partner subjects the other to an ongoing pattern of humiliating, controlling or threatening behaviour. To get the help and support you need, you need to be able to spot the signs.
One of the first things a controlling partner will do is to try and cut you off from your friends and family in order to isolate you from your support system. They might do this in a few ways. They might suggest sharing social media accounts or asking for your passwords.
The isolation can go further than this; they might try to deny you the freedom and autonomy you had when the relationship first began. They might not allow you to leave the house much. They might restrict your movements further by taking away your access to transportation.
Another form of isolation is financial control. They take control of the finances in order to minimise your ability to leave the relationship. This could mean implementing a budget, taking away your access to your own finances and strictly monitoring expenditures.
Monitoring
Initially, it might seem they care about you and want to know what you’re up to. However, this behaviour escalates; they might begin to use surveillance software to monitor your comings and goings throughout the day and what you are doing when you are home alone.
They might begin to monitor your body and health in other ways. Your abuser will want to control what you eat, when you sleep, your hygiene and even the amount of time you spend in the bathroom. It can feel as though you have no control over your body.
Gaslighting
They will begin to convince you that they are always right. It will often feel like you can’t win. They will continually change the rules and make you question your own memory and sanity. You will always find yourself apologising, despite not doing anything wrong.
Your abuser will be incredibly jealous of anyone else spending time with you. They will likely try and distort or twist harmless interactions with others. It is designed to make you feel guilty and question other people’s motives to isolate you further.
Getting Out
Getting out of a coercive control relationship is not easy; it’s like trying to escape from a hostage situation. However, it can be done. It simply requires planning. Firstly, you must re-establish and maintain contact with your support systems, although this may be easier said than done. Getting in touch with a domestic violence charity can also help.
Identify a safe place you can go to when you get out. The initial period after leaving is often the most critical because it is when the abuser feels the most out of control, and they will do and say anything in an effort to reconcile. Getting a non-molestation order or legal advice is advisable to ensure that there will be consequences should your abuser try to get to you.
In Conclusion
Coercive control behaviours are easy to justify or explain away, but they need to be seen for what they are. All forms of domestic abuse are as dangerous as the others because the behaviours often spiral. Removing yourself from the situation can be dangerous, which is why it is imperative that you have a firm support system and safety plan in place.
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Clare
Hi, I'm Clare (Emmy's Mummy). A former Nanny and Mother of 2 - Emmy (born February 2010) and Harry (born October 2012). We are Essex based and share our adventures and misadventures of a busy crazy life.
