Finding the Sweet Spot Between Spoiling and Skimping

**Collaborative post**

Gifts are (or should be) more than just an object to fill space. They are also a signal to the receiver that we hold them in our hearts and minds even when they aren’t there. 

A gift during a traditional gift-giving holiday should say, “I want to celebrate this time with you.” Gifts during anniversaries say, “This is what comes to mind when I think of you.” And random little presents that come neither on a holiday nor an anniversary are a way to show that person you think of them outside of time spent together.

Of course, it’s easy to forget another kind of gift-based pleasure: the empathic connection of giving the gift. There is a simple joy in sifting through the wide range of wholesale giftwares in shops all over the country, to find the perfect something that will put a smile on a loved one’s face. 

Of course, sometimes, this joy is taken to an extreme, as doting parents and grandparents can give in to their well-intentioned gifting and spoil their children or grandchildren. Meanwhile, some go the other way and refuse to engage in the joy of gifting. 

Therefore, the question is, where is the happy middle ground between spoiling and skimping?

It All Starts in the Brain

Do you ever wonder why giving a gift feels so good? Even if it’s just a little thing? 

The tall and short of it is that it feels good to act altruistically, and with good reason. 

When we act selflessly, or in a way that makes other people happy, it releases neurochemicals that make us feel happy, emotionally regulated, and confer several health benefits to us as well.

Recent neuroscientific studies have shown that this mechanism operates in children, too. 

When children engage in prosocial behaviours, including altruism and generosity, the parts of their brain that reward these behaviours through the release of dopamine and oxytocin fire just as strongly when they give a gift as when they receive one.

This is a hugely valuable insight into how people can raise children who are grateful for what they receive and are genuinely kind, empathetic, and generous. It shows that effort spent fostering and encouraging generosity, selflessness, and empathy will help a child retain these features in their adult life.

The Three-Gift Rule

On the flipside of raising grateful kids, spoiling your little ones can not only encourage them to act selfishly, aggressively, and in a domineering way towards other children, but also raise them to expect that they can have anything they want. 

It’s important to remember that although your world may revolve around your child, the real world doesn’t. Yes, spoiling your children may be done with a loving heart. But the reality is that you’re setting them up for a world where their behaviour is ill-regarded, and they are unable to cope with or tolerate failure.

Part of this is because spoiling your kids offers constant rewards and stimulation with little effort or input. This means they don’t learn how to fend for themselves, they don’t know how to regulate their emotions, and they don’t learn patience. 

This is where the three gift rule comes into play. It’s an easy-to-remember method of gift-giving that helps to build a child’s character and independence. 

The child, during special occasions, receives three gifts centred around “Needs, Reads, and Seeds”:

Needs

A “need” gift is fairly self-explanatory. It’s a gift someone needs, rather than wants. 

In the case of kids, this can be clothes, themed cutlery, stationery, school supplies, or anything else the child regularly uses that may be in short supply.

Reads

“Reads” is obvious: it’s all about books. 

Reading is possibly the best developmental hobby a child can have. It teaches patience, builds creativity, develops vocabulary, fosters emotional regulation, develops the attention span, builds IQ and EQ, and increases your child’s interest in the world. 

Fiction and non-fiction are both good sources of reading material; just make sure the book you’re choosing is age-appropriate, and that you set aside intentional reading time with your child.

Seeds

When we talk about “seeds” in this context, we talk about fostering growth. 

A “seeds” gift is anything that fosters character-building, as well as new interests that require self-regulation and motivation.

These could be literal seeds to get your child into gardening, or an art set to raise the next Van Gogh, an instrument to develop a musical interest, or sports equipment to introduce them to the world of athleticism. Everyone needs a hobby, and that is where “seeds” gifts come into play. 

Helicopter Grandparents

It’s not a rare thing for grandparents to be excited by the birth of grandchildren. To many, it feels as though they get to live the baby stages of their own children again, a stage many parents find deeply rewarding and beautiful. 

This elation can sometimes translate to extreme doting behaviour, otherwise known as “helicopter parenting,” or more accurately in this case, “helicopter grandparenting.”

While well-intentioned, this doting behaviour can quickly become toxic and antithetical to your ability to raise your children as you desire. Aside from undermining the authority and trustworthiness of parents, a helicopter grandparent can also be prone to showering their grandchild with excessive gifts.

It’s difficult, but you and/or your spouse may need to have a conversation with the grandparent who is perpetuating this family dynamic. Asserting your boundaries is a must during this conversation. But when it comes to the gift-giving behaviour, it may be better to redirect giving “gifts” to building “experiences”: such as a trip to the zoo, a day of fishing, playing board games, a crafting afternoon, or intentional quality time expenditure.

Make Them Wait

Kids are tough. They’re impatient, demand attention, and don’t know or understand a  lot of what we take for granted as “common knowledge.” The reason for this is simple: they’re underdeveloped. It’s up to you to raise them (and their brains) to be patient, kind, courteous, respectful, and intelligent.

When children are spoiled, they’re usually not made to wait, so they don’t learn how to “deal” with boredom, periods of impatience, or not getting what they want. Especially today, when the internet and electronic devices provide rapid, consistent hits of dopamine, it’s more important than ever to reinforce that presents are a rare luxury, given only on special occasions or as a reward. 

This might seem like a lot of rules for giving gifts, and there is an element of truth to it. Gift giving should be simple, joyful, and from the heart. But if you give too much too frequently, it can be a recipe for a child who is impatient, rude, disrespectful, and unkind. 

If you want your child to learn respectful, patient, kind, and generous behaviours, the guidelines in this article can help you find the route between spoiling and skimping.