Am I that Mum I’ve never wanted to be?

I’m supposed to be sleeping, I’ve so much to do. My to-do-list is endless and there’s a sea of washing piling from the basket.

It’s the summer holidays you see and I’ve two kids at home and work still to do.

I’ve booked up no childcare, I don’t actually really have any anyway yet the emails come in and the bills need paying.

Deadlines have to be met and I can do it.

I will do it, I have to.

The out of office has been on since the start of the summer to relieve the pressure and I’m coping I am!

We’ve had a lovely summer playing and making memories.

There’s been swimming all day and holidays, we’ve been to the beach, the zoo, we’ve theatre tickets and more days out planned.

We’ve had picnics and camp outs and too many treats.

So many late nights and sleeping in late.

But I can’t help feeling guilty as no matter how much I plan, there are times I am working and the kids have to fend for themselves for an hour or two. I’m home of course and they’ve all their toys but it’s during this time they choose to fight and argue.

I know all kids do, siblings especially but it’s when they’ve not got my full attention and they choose the times I’m busiest to do it.

On the phone is the worst and clients now know it’s best to just email.

I do set them up with activities and things to do before I start but why do I need to decide which animal lives in their Duplo house just as I’m mid conversation with a new client working out timings for visits and post schedules?

It’s like they lose all rational thought processes when my keyboard is out, how do I do this? Where have I put that? He said this, she did that.

And the need for snacks and drinks the minute I start working when they’ve 1. Just eaten and 2. Have been helping themselves all day long, suddenly now they are unable, and I’m dog sitting too, let’s just say give me the early potty training days as there were less puddles over the floor.

I am ashamed to say I snapped.

I seem to have become shouty Mum and I don’t like it one bit.

I cried today because I made my son cry. We’d gone out to dinner with friends and they were playing up, nothing new and mainly having fun but I’d asked them to stop playing with the restaurant blinds and they wouldn’t. Warnings ignored and I got cross.

I shouted and moved H away. His face fell and his lip went. He asked to go to the bathroom as didn’t want to cry in public.

My heart broke right there hugging him in the bathroom. He was scared because I’d shouted loudly.

We hugged and cried together.

I don’t want to be that Mum who scares her children, who shouts and screams and always gets cross.

We are friends again and I will try hard not to be that Mum again.

It’s hard at times, parenting doesn’t come with an instruction book.

Tomorrow I’m having a day off, one to spend wrapped up with my children and their friends having a playday, making a mess, doing crafts and I’ll be fun Mum again.

I’m missing her rather a lot and it’s time she came out of hiding as she’s far nicer than shouty Mum!