Bringing up gender neutral children: five tips to give your children the freedom they need

**posted in collaboration with Debbie Fletcher**

You know how parenting tips go. Do this and this but don’t do that (and whatever you do, do NOT do that thing!). With the how-to and self-help industry about ready to explode from oversaturation, you can’t be blamed for wanting a little freedom.

You know who else could use some freedom, though? Have the opportunity to be who they are and do what they love without the constraints of outdated stereotypes? Your children, that’s who. So for their sake, perhaps give a go to one more parenting tips list.

1: Say no to pink and blue from day 1 

When someone has a baby girl, she is immediately swaddled in eight shades of light pink. Boys? Blue, blue and bluer. It used to be that if you didn’t want to go that route you were stuck with piles of green and yellow onesies, with strangers still assuming green meant boy and yellow meant girl. 

Hallelujah, however, because it’s 2019 and there are plenty of super cute, rock and roll unisex newborn clothes to choose from. You don’t have to sacrifice style to sacrifice gender markers. Dress even your tiniest babes in gender-neutral get-ups and help the world see your child as an individual.

2: Get wild in the toy aisle

You know what? All toys are fun. Every single one. And they’re all good for different aspects of development. So why shouldn’t girls get to throw soldiers out of treehouses, and why shouldn’t boys get to cuddle rosy-cheeked dolls? 

Studies have found that children begin showing a preference for toys stereotyped to their gender at an age as early as nine months. Obviously, the likelihood that a nine-month-old girl just inherently loves pink sparkly unicorns while a nine-month-old boy doesn’t is low, so these preferences are probably stemming from the influence of parents and other relatives and caregivers. So don’t limit the toys! Breaking down boundaries for your children can mean playing with monster trucks, Barbies, blocks and a doctor’s kit all in one afternoon. Not too bad, eh?

3: Get those play dates going

It won’t be a surprise for anyone to read this: kids are better off when they’re comfortable playing with kids of all genders. So when you’re done playing with every toy you can find, start making some new parent friends and get together with their boys or girls for mixed-gender playgroups that will benefit everyone involved. 

By encouraging boys and girls to play together you’re broadening your children’s exposure to toys and activities, ultimately broadening their interests. You’re also broadening their exposure to different playing styles and personalities, making them more cooperative and accepting and helping them find themselves. Further, by making yourself a wide range of parent friends, you’re increasing the chances of finding someone who wants to slam a bottle of Chardonnay right after bedtime. Win-win.

4: Just let the be

For many of us, it can be one thing to dress our children in cool unisex clothes or get mixed-gender playgroups together for afternoons of fun, and it can be a whole other thing to stand back and watch our daughter choose a buzzcut or our son pull on a pair of ballet slippers. However, to truly downplay the importance of gender, you need to be prepared to support your children in their choices, no matter how against the grain they may be. 

Start early with role-playing activities and get comfortable with boys wearing princess dresses and girls slaying dragons. By the time your daughter is ready to try out for junior-varsity football, should that be an interest she takes, you’ll know how to help her feel loved, supported, and free to explore, experiment and express herself. 

5: Leave gender be

The idea behind many approaches to gender-neutral parenting isn’t erasing gender or pretending it doesn’t exist. Rather, it’s about downplaying gender’s importance. This is what stops it from impacting the way your children live their lives, both now and decades into the future.

In gender-neutral households, girls can still be girls, boys can be boys, mommies can be women and daddies can be men, if that’s how all parties involved identify. What you want to do is keep your child’s gender from restricting his or her interests, hobbies, career paths or forms of personal expression. Gender-neutral parenting is about opening up the world to your children. What it isn’t about is denying basic aspects of who your children are and how they identify. 

It can seem complicated at times, but with the right intentions and the right parenting tips (you’re welcome!), we’ll all get there.